I said I was slowing down.
I said I wasn’t going to put pressure on myself to create.
I was overwhelmed by the whole process of creating.
This September I start college to further my education and I’m all the excited and nervous emotions about this and I know this is my next step but to quote myself:
“I know I will always be creative in some shape or form. It’s not something I can just switch off but recently, since having my second child I’ve come to realise how difficult it is to run a business and a family.”
You can read that Journal Post here if you fancy.
I still stand by those words but don’t you find that sometimes theres something more powerful than yourself taking you on a different path?
I’m far too curious of a person to not take this path!
It won’t help me slow down but I don’t think I’m meant to be. Elizabeth Gilbert knows what she’s talking about with all this Big Magic talk and when I recently discovered this book and took all the signs that were leading me to it, purchased it on whim and now half way through reading it I’m referring to it on a journal post I know I’ve to keep going with these ideas, these inspirations that pop up out of nowhere if I want to keep on this path!
I wrote my book idea at 3am. Literally. It came to me when I woke one night and I couldn’t let it go. Word after word, sentence after sentence so I took myself down to my studio and scribbled it down in a sleepy state of mind, vowing to use it as it’s meant to be used. It felt, still does feels right and I’m excited to get to work on the illustrations. Have I published a book before? Nope. Do I have the faintest idea where to start finding a publisher. Not really but I’m just going with it because I’m not letting this one go. I feel a sense of urgency about it though. So many ideas have left me in the past only to be used by someone else so this one, it’s mine.
I guess this explains my recent discovery of having many projects on at the same time is actually a good thing for me because once I get an idea I’m on it, if I’m not it’s gone again before I can say ‘but thats what I was gonna do’ There are some ideas I’m happy to pass me by and find an owner with someone else but others are like an extra part of me that I can’t let go off, and if I do grief will set in. Ok maybe not grief, thats a tad dramatic but that niggly feeling when you wish you’d stuck with something but you didn’t, that! This is why my slowing down mindset didn’t work for me. For some unknown slightly ridiculous reason I thought I needed to create work to sell. I thought because I’d started my business that every idea I manifested had to be sellable and forcing myself to make sellable work dulled my creativity and it all became hard work and completely unauthentic which goes against my true self and as such caused me major head anxiety so I tried to escape it. Phew that was a long sentence!
I knew I couldn’t escape it, but I tried to. It found me though and threw me straight back in there with an idea in the middle of the night and a message from a fellow creative saying she knew a lady who wanted a book illustrated and would I be interested. I couldn’t escape and I didn’t want to. This felt right, it all felt right and here I am today taking it all in and loving the experience. I’m not to know where it will take me but I’m happy to be on the journey because doing it for the process is enough to keep my creativity flowing until the next inspiration lands at my feet.
If it could wait until I’ve had my morning coffee this time though, that’d be nice!